The Way I'm Is

So. I know I just posted some of my old stuff. But I've got some shit to say lol. I may have talked about it a bit if I know you offline. But as of this moment, I's been drinkin (so please forgive any typos or aimless rambling), and the good people of Dublin, Ireland breweries have blessed my liver as well as my equilibrium something lovely. And at this particular moment, I'm ready to claw the skin off my own bones in sheer irritation. Consider this first paragraph a "beware" sign. The following is not for the squeemish or those lacking in the departamento de cajones. I will exercise my right to emotional bulimia. I will bitch, swear like a sailor, complain, and dole out low blows. I'm not REALLY petty that way, but I need to get these thoughts the fuck outta me. Proceed forth as you will...

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To "ByronKeatsNShelley":





It's funny, cuz I still want to be your friend. I can't deny that. I care for you, I might even ____ you. But let's get this clear as fucking crystal: YOU started acting "awkward", YOU started acting shitty towards me. Our "energy dynamic" didn't change, you just decided to start behaving like an ass.

I GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET it. I get it. I got you the first fucking time. You don't want a relationship. I didn't wan't one with you either. Hell, I wasn't even fucking interested. Until, you started talking with me. Not AT me, but with me. Until I could see that we had so much in common. I don't have yellow fever homie, and I DO NOT jump at the first motherfucker of asian decent that says boo to me. I appreciate all. I don't exlcude. And if I could have had my choice baby, you're NOT my fucking type physically. I'm on the thick side, but I'm not fucking desperate dogg. I could get laid if I NEEDED to. But I saw YOU. You let me see you. And I fell for that shit.

I can see how enormous your heart is. I can see how much your mother hurt you; For Real. I can see how you're longing for a fairy tale-like love. I can see how you wish you could single-handedly change the world for the better. I can see how you want to be accepted. I can see how you long to play your own role in the history of the world. I can see how you're establishing your manhood in a society that's telling you that you're not manly enough. I can see that you're fucking brave. I can see that you're fucking confused. I can see that you're bloody angry and hurt to no end. I can see that you take it day by day. I can see that you'd be a fucking incredible father. I can see that you're working to create "home" for yourself. I can see that you're busy as shit. I can see that you have great patience. I can see that you're damn near as sensitive as I am, but had to toughen that shit up. I can see you striving for lasting happiness. I'm sure there's more than this. But this was all (more or less) that I was able to witness.

You blurt out "I'm a fucking genius." Well, guess what Genius, I'm fairly not stupid myself. Your first adult love bailed. No bullshit, I'm sorry. It hurts like someone died. It's hard to really let go. And I don't say that to be blase. I know because I've felt that shit in my own skin. It hurts like hell and I understand, truly.

You said that "we aren't dating anymore". But me and you, you and I, us lol?.... We didn't "date" at all. I dated you, in hopes of getting to know you. You weren't "dating" me, you were just biding your time with me, praying that one night you'd get that phonecall: her on the other line, a blubbering teary mess, confessing how she realized that you were the best thing that ever happened to her and her begging you to take her back. Of which you'd all too gladly accept. You didn't "date" me, you kept your pain and doldrums away with me. And I'm not a hater, believe me. If she's your dream come true, I hope she comes back and you two live happily ever after. Seriously. It seems that she's moved on, so in all honesty, I doubt that she's gonna come bounding back. But I'm a sucker for a happy ending, and I want you to find yours.


Just so you know, when you date, you actively try to get to know someone better on a level that's deeper than friendship lol. I pulled the plug because You.Showed.ZERO.Interest. I actually asked you "do you want to know anything about me?" and you said something along the lines of "ehh, I'll find out later down the line." Oh word???? That's cool... On top of that, I can see you feeling me, and then you immediately talking yourself out of it. What....the fuck????

I get that you weren't screwing around, as much as you were confused about what you wanted. My personal life got shakey so I got a bit quiet; and you had the NERVE to act like it's cuz I'm all broken up over you??? Nahh dude. Yes, I was bothered by our situation. But my life, with my family, got sticky and it was a lot to process. And instead of giving a damn, you acted like I had leprosy. And your BULLSHIT. Yes. BULLSHIT excuses, pshhhh... You looked me in the face; in my eyes. And said, "our circles don't mesh. This is who I am, this is what I do. And you don't have some of the qualities I'd like in the woman I'd be looking for..."


uhhherrmm...

O_o <~ (I actually made this face)


That's fair. That's cool, and that's fine. But for one. You self-righteous ass. You have NO idea what my "circle" looks like. You never asked, I'm pretty sure you never investigated. A couple of my co-worker/friends get me a few drinks for my birthday, you meet them IN PASSING, and you assume to know what my "circle" looks like??? You pompous prick. Those are GREAT people, and you have no clue what the fuck they do or what they're about. You're deep in the community scene. I see this, and it looks genuine. I GOOOOOOT it. But you don't know WHAT the fuck I'm invloved in. You don't know WHAT the fuck I want to do with my future. And just cuz I don't rattle off the list of organizations I'm involved with to every other person I meet, doesn't mean that my heart isn't in to making a difference in the community/world at large. The things that I choose to do/be involved in are from mi corazon, and I don't feel the need to wave a banner to draw attention to the good deeds that I do. Not saying that that's what you do, or that that's why you do what you do, and I'm just saying that that's not how I operate.

"We use different language" you say. Yeah. Like you hear words coming out of my mouth, but don't hear what the FUCK I'm saying. I noticed you counting me out during a couple of conversations that we had. You didn't get it. You don't get it. Not cuz you're dumb. You just didn't want to put the effort in. I'm not tired of my family, I'm a grown woman and I need space for myself. I wasn't trying to brag about being Christian or reading the Bible, I was trying to segue into talking about people's actual knowledge of religions that they decide to judge even though they aren't familiar. I don't want to only make a difference for one person; I'll be grateful to say that one person was glad to have known me, but of course I want to expand beyond that.

No homie. I DON'T look like Alicia Keys, Goapele, Aaliyah, Sade, Amel Larrieux, or Jill Scott. I don't roll my fucking eyes and neck with diva attitude when I talk. I don't have dreds and live in the foster home that I work out of, ride my bike across town throwing daisies and poetic hip hop verses at random people I come across throughout my day. I'm NOT some ultra afrocentric, golden skinned, mother earth charicature that you seem to idolize. I'm not a music video. I'm kinda chubby. I have acne breakouts. I get frustrated sometimess. I don't join up with every single community cause that comes my way. I have a little cellulite here and there lol. Got some stretch marks. But I'm loyal. I work hard. I'd always try to be your soft place to fall, your attentive ear, comforting shoulder, post to lean against when you're feeling weak, your pep squad and your biggest fan. You're shorter than me, skinny as shit, and your head is kinda too big for your body. But your heart is wide open, and you have a warm, understanding nature. You stimulated my mind, and made me feel sexy. You work hard, and try to grow with every experience. And because of WHO you are, and what you're about, you are gorgeous to me. You're that knight atop a noble steed.

I try to open a conversation about religion, you shut me down. I try to offer you comforting words when it seems like you're feeling down, you damn near bite my head off. You go on about being the champion for the underdog, and never being counted and constantly overlooked. Shit, I counted you!!! But you're a geek, and you didn't want to be counted by a fellow geek. You wanted to be counted among the cheerleaders and jocks. I'm not one of them, and although some of the cheerleaders and jocks are cool people, I gives a flying FUCK what they think about me. I wish for you to find that same resolve. Because as much as you preach individualism and self-validation, you just want to be in good with them. And if that gorgeous older woman that you're so endlessly in love with but doesn't treat you right is what your idea of a "dream come true" is, than I can be of no service. Cuz all I have to offer is my unconditional love. Sincere and enduring. But I can understand how some would prefer the music video to real life. I'm not judging, it's your life. But if you say I want something real, and something real shows up at your doorstep and you slam the door in real's face because it wasn't the pristine vision that you had in mind... Well, don't be surprised if real makes itself a bit more scarce.